10 things you should never say to your pregnant wife

A woman’s sense of humour tends to go south when she’s pregnant, so you really have to watch what you say to her.

So unless you want to get ‘smashed’ by her, we suggest you read this for your own benefit.

1. “… what you’re hungry again?”

Yes she is hungry again… what’s that to you? She might eat like a horse, sleep like a log and snore like a truck driver – SHE IS ENTITLED, okay?

2. “… what you want to pee again?”

Let’s do this. Why don’t you take her uterus, put in your belly, and then let it grow till it’s stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with your bladder! Later, we’ll have your kidneys – who’re watching all the drama from up above and are getting a kick out of it – send more and more traffic towards your bladder just for fun! Want to try that?

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3. “… are we having that for dinner again?”

Why, would you like to have something else for dinner? How about eating your delightful words ‘again and again and again and again’? Stuffed? You had rice for dinner yesterday, are having it today, and will have it for dinner tomorrow. Deal with it. And NEVER use the word again, again.

4. “Why’re you being so emotional?”

‘Coz her hormones are all wired up and you just finished the last scoop of double chocolate chip cookie ice-cream in the fridge!

5. “Did you just fart?”

Did you just fall down from the 13th-floor and hit your head and die? That question is blasphemous. You never ask a woman that question, let alone a pregnant one. And FYI… Women don’t fart! They do however, release tiny puffs of glitter that sound like a unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbow.

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6. “Can’t believe Annie Idibia can look that hot after just having a child!”

Annie Idibia’s husband is a millionaire who probably hired the best dietician, the best gym trainer and the best goddamn plastic surgeon for her… Who are you and what can you afford to give your wife?

7. “God I need a foot massage; can you give me one?”

… will you like some hot-hot veg soup and nicely pounded yam too? That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t realise. It’s a possibility that you’re really exhausted, but hello, so is she. A win-win situation would be booking a romantic spa for the two of you.

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8. “I just heard a good pregnant joke… ”

Tell you what… do you know what you get when you cross The Incredible Hulk and King Kong? Well, a really, really angry pregnant wife. Think twice before you crack jokes; especially poop jokes.

9. “This pregnancy is hard on me too!”

Really? Are you getting nightmares thinking about the scars and stretch marks that pregnancy will leave on your body? You’re probably just mentally tired. But your wife is going through mental, emotional and physical stress! So don’t compare.

10. “You need to calm down!”

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