By By Ted Malanda for The Nairobian
An infectious disease sweeping down Mount Kenya is infecting Members of Parliament. The post-2022 flu is an Ebola-like ailment that causes pitiful convulsions when the mere thought that a youthful President Uhuru will be jobless in 2022 hits Kikuyu MPs.
They are right. In 2022, the president will be only 61, too young to retire, never mind that is one year past our official retirement age. Here are 10 things Uhuru can do to keep busy when Katiba sends him packing:
Marry a second wife
This is an age-old custom among Kenyan men. When you retire, and they give pesa ya retirement, which in the president’s case will be ‘yuuuge,’ you marry a ndogo ndogo to help you eat the money.
Her nagging and the resulting screaming bundles of joy will keep him busy well into his sunset days.
Become a shylock
The president was once a bank teller. These skills can come in handy when he retires. With our economy practically in the bin, wananchi are broke 24/7.
The president can use his golden handshake as seed money for this biashara. He will discover that the market for this service among waheshimiwa is solid.
Get into meat-wrapping
The Kenyatta family has interests in the meat-wrapping business, with majority shareholding in Mediamax Network Limited.
A retired Uhuru, who is handsome and articulate in English, Kiswahili and Gikuyu, can become a radio presenter on Kameme FM or a news anchor on K24. The ratings would hit the roof!
Open a shop in Gatundu
The returns could be rubbish, and the job is so boring you can hear a 10-cent coin dropping into your bank account 40km away.
But you get to hear all the village mucene and the exercise book where madeni are recorded keeps you busy. And who knows (wink) which village belle will gyrate into the shop seeking sabuni ya kipande on credit
Become MP in Bondo
Nothing in the Constitution bars President Uhuru from seeking public office. He can run for Senate, where he can ‘beat’ stories with his seniors, like former attorney-general Amos Wako.
Also, as a former minister for local government, he understands how kanjuras operate, which would make him a highly effective governor. I dare say Uhuru can be elected as a Member of Parliament in Bondo by 7am if his brother Raila just nods his head.
Operate a matatu
Nothing is more engaging than running a matatu. In between dealing with the garage, rogue cops, courts, Mungiki, touts and nasty passengers, you are kept so busy you hardly know when the day ends.
Uhunye, who lives to drive, can even go the whole hog and drive his mathree to cut operation costs.
Start a church
Having spent 10 years with his bosom fren’ Deputy President William Ruto, the president, who is a staunch Catholic, must have picked a thing or two about evangelism.
If he opens a church, the miracle crusades would be a crowd puller, especially if he maintains his bodyguards and invests in a long beard and shiny suits.
Run a high-end pub
Kenyans love their tipple. The poor ones hammer kumi kumi, while the rich quaff stuff whose price is equivalent to a fishmonger’s entire stock.
Uhuru’s pub in Westlands would be so big and busy, traffic police would be required to direct traffic on Friday nights. The brawls among patrons, the thieving staff and celeb scandals would keep him extremely busy.
Go back to school
If Deputy President Ruto can acquire a master’s degree and PhD in between managing his personal businesses, assisting in running the affairs of State, launching development projects countrywide, fighting Baba and masterminding his run for 2022.
What would stop a retired Uhuru from acquiring a master’s and PhD in three years and becoming a professor at 70
Do the honourable thing
Alternatively, the president can tell those noisemakers suggesting he is young to retire to go hell. Then he can retire with honour and spend the rest of his days reading, bonding with his grandchildren and his lovely wife, and globe-trotting as a senior statesman.
There are many causes that would benefit from his vast political and business networks at both local and international levels.